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The Affairs of Men
The May 18, 2008 issue of New York Magazine featured a cover article (really more like an overly long and self-indulgent blog) that has spawned hundreds of apoplectic reader comments. "The Affairs of Men: The Trouble With Sex and Marriage" by Philip Weiss attempts to justify adultery, provides a half-assed look at the differences between male and female sex drives, and generally offers a "no thanks" look inside the mind of a midlife crisis gussied up as a sensitive man working hard to stay true to a woman he claims to love.
The author, 52, acknowledges he has always been "tormented by his sexual needs." So maybe he’s not the best person to study this topic objectively. On the other hand, who is? What married person hasn’t struggled to resist temptation – or felt his or her struggle was harder than average?
Certainly Weiss’s journalistic and research skills, or lack thereof, don’t help tip the scales in his favor. His interview subjects are primarily his male friends – including a gay one, to show he is open-minded, as well as his sister. No word from his wife, although I’m sure he’s heard plenty by now. He mixes it up with strangers he met through a Craigslist ad, including a transgendered one who explains how testosterone transformed her into a him who suddenly understood the need to cheat. There are experts, too, although Weiss spends most of his interview time telling them what his friends think rather than expanding his (or our) knowledge base.The problem is marriage: It’s just too confining. Much to Weiss’s dismay, "monogamy has so far withstood the revolutionary impulse." He looks into other options, primarily involving polyamory: "a whole community of friends with benefits." France and Italy are evoked as more forward-thinking, since wives apparently tolerate adultery there. But instead of consulting an authority on marriage in those countries, we are given this insight from the author’s personal friend, "a New York writer on social and cultural matters who is half-French": "From the time I was small, I was led to understand that people have affairs. C’est la vie." Case closed.
It says a lot that his friends, to a man, "nursed a fantasy, as quaintly surreal as an old tinted postcard, of a perfectible world in which we might have sex outside our primary relationships and say that it doesn’t mean anything." Weiss admits he couldn’t stand it if his own wife cheated, so he obviously grasps the whole concept behind fidelity. Living with it, however, is killing him.
Weiss quotes "a forward-thinking friend" as saying, "I haven’t ever seen anyone who doesn’t deliver on every single demand their sexuality makes on them. We make the mistake of thinking some people have a stronger will, they don’t. There is no more unnatural principle of social organization than sexual exclusivity." Really? Do these guys not follow politics? Or know someone who hasn't acted on a demand made by their sexuality?
The afore-mentioned sister, Alice, "a respectable suburban woman happily married for eons," tells Weiss that the only morality she hangs on to is how honest one person is with the other about their stuff going into a marriage. But going in, we have no idea how we will feel. Only after the passage of time do we understand what impact the passage of time can have on a marriage. Former horndogs mellow, while the formerly lackadaisical catch the fever. You never know how you or your partner will change when you walk down the aisle. It’s absurd to say how you will or won’t react years down the road, especially if you’re in your 20s and essentially ignorant of how long-term (really long-term) relationships work.
Even the experts come across as apologists for the inevitability of cheating and sexless marriages. One, David Buss, author of The Evolution of Desire and a professor at the University of Texas, says that men and women are both programmed for infidelity, although for different reasons: Women like "to keep a man or two in reserve, because men die earlier than women, or men go off, and women need protection," Men, apparently, just like lots of partners.
Another expert, Susan Squire, author of an upcoming history of marriage called I Don’t, is quoted as saying, "Marriage isn’t the problem; it’s the best answer anyone’s come up with. Men and women are equally oppressed by expectations. Expectations are ridiculously high now…Marriage has many benefits and values, but eroticism is not one of them."
Weiss’s gay friend has much more insight than either of these. He says, "A relationship is a myth you create with each other. It isn't necessarily true, but it’s meaningful. The key to that myth is that the other person is enough for you. You know in your head that another person isn't enough for you. But if you don’t honor the myth, then it crumbles."
"The Affairs of Men" reads like an excuse for the author to research and justify his own urges, get them validated by his friends and experts, and position himself as a lusty but honorable guy. Can a posting on Craigslist be far behind?
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