LoveHowTo Blog

Honesty: Usually the Best Policy

When I was in third grade I was thrown from a horse during riding class and knocked unconscious. When I came to I was lying on the ground covered in a blanket with a couple of teachers hovering around me. I tried to sit up a few times but was firmly held down. I wondered why they wouldn't let me sit up and where my little pink glasses might be. But for some reason, I didn't speak and when I was finally moved, I didn't ask where I was going.

All these decades later I still remember the sensation of wondering what was going on but not asking. The silence was crushing. I was free to imagine all kinds of terrible scenarios — Was I mute? Would I still be able to read? Would my mom be mad that my glasses were gone? Most troubling, would I ever walk again? But I didn't communicate my fears and didn't receive any reassurance.

For me there is a parallel between that experience and some relationships I've had. I can think of times when there were questions I was dying to ask, even screaming inside my head, but just plain didn't. I certainly could have, just as I could have asked my teachers what was going on, all those years ago. But sometimes we're afraid to ask because we don't think we'll be able to handle the answers. Or maybe we're just in shock: do I really want confirmed that the person I'm with is that twisted/stupid/wrong for me? Better to keep my concerns to myself and maybe they'll go away.

Except that they don't. That nagging feeling that the person you're with is wrong for you rarely eases off as you get to know someone better. Ignore those feelings at the peril of your relationship and even your own identity. If you think someone is wrong for you, speak up. Ask and answer. Accept or move on.

It's widely accepted that communication between lovers is vital to keep a relationship strong. Of course you don't have to share every minor doubt or mention every flaw. But if you're afraid to tell someone about your political preference or where you most like to be touched, you can be pretty sure that before long one or both of you will be trawling the web, whether for another partner or something battery-powered. Couples don't need to agree on everything, but they need to face their differences honestly. Some can be overcome, but some can't, and it's better to find out early in a relationship what kind of differences you have.

by Laura