Moving On
Times of Transition
We define ourselves to a great degree by our marital status and our children. The transitions from single to married and childless to parent are among life's most significant. Similarly, the transition from married to divorced creates a BC/AD type of shift in one's reality.
But these changes don't happen overnight. Before marriage there is the engagement. Before childbirth there is pregnancy. And before divorce there is separation.
Being separated is a time of purgatory. You don't know quite what to tell people about how it will shake out between you and your spouse, because even if all has been calm, things could still get ugly. You may not know whether you will have to move, what custody arrangements will be or how much money you will have to live on.
Unanswered questions bring stress. Just as a parents-to-be worry about whether their child will be healthy, separated people worry about redefining themselves when they are half the couple they used to be. They wonder when they should start using the term "my ex" and if it will ever feel comfortable. Maybe they remember when they first started using "my wife" or "my husband" and the little thrill it gave them every time they said it. Separation brings on pretty much the opposite experience.
Separated people haven't yet experienced the finality of a marriage's end but are feeling their way toward it. The many unknowns can be unsettling and confusing. Although they're trying to figure out how things will be when it's all over, they can't really know. This is not an optimal time to make big decisions, yet often when they are required.
Then there are the dating issues. Unless there was already somebody new in the picture before the separation (in which case, naughty naughty), separated people have to wonder whether they will ever love again. They have to gird themselves to endure set-ups from well-meaning friends, and check out the online dating world. Most will also start thinking about some form of a makeover.
It can be a shock to learn that some single people refuse to go out with the separated. They may be concerned that a separation won't "take" and the marriage might still survive. Or, if they've lived through a divorce themselves, they just don't want to be around for the gyrations that take place during this time of upheaval.
During a separation, these words of wisdom make a useful mantra: This too shall pass.
by Laura
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