Moving On
How to Bring Up Divorce
A recent segment on the Today Show raised the question "How do you tell your spouse you want a divorce?" As a participant in the discussion, I had plenty to say, even though I ended up with only about 30 seconds of airtime. (You can see the clip here.) That "it's over" conversation with my almost ex-husband was life-changing, and I can still see the living room, and our positions in it, clearly even now, a year later.
But that surreal Sunday morning didn't happen out of the blue. It came after almost a year of discussion, debate and drama, after crying, consultation with friends and counseling.
Let’s say you've been through as much as you need to and you know it's time. You've given it a shot, or more likely multiple shots. You've lived through blame and guilt, rage and fear, the deepest pain imaginable and an intense jones for revenge. Your time as a couple is up. You want out.
You've reached a point where you both know it but one of you has to be the one to say it. When nosy people – or a Today Show producer – inquire, "Who asked for the divorce?" they are misrepresenting the typical reality. In most cases, divorce is a mutual decision, part of an ongoing conversation of varying volume levels. It's not about who brought it up first. It's about how it gets handled once it finally becomes your reality.
If a marriage is failing, divorce is in the air. It can, and probably should, be a long journey from the first-time shock of hearing that word in the context of your own marriage to accepting that this is in fact the right path for you – and saying that out loud.
If you know that the Divorce Discussion is in your future, here are some ways to prepare:
- Gird yourself emotionally. The odds of your being warmly received are zero.
- Do your research. Start with the web (try www.FirstWivesWorld.com), buy some books, have some sessions with a counselor. Learn about the legal, financial and psychological ramifications of divorce.
- Consider what's best for the children. This is the most important aspect of any divorce decision and may even prevent you from taking the step.
- Timing is key. Consider the schedule: after a child's graduation, after taxes are out of the way, after the holidays, when the kids are at camp…There's no right time to bring up a split, but some times are indisputably better than others.
- Take some blame: Say something like "I can’t be who you want me to be," not "You’ll never change."
- Acknowledge their efforts, even if minimal, as well as your own: "We both tried our best."
- Say you want them to be happy and that you know you’re not making them happy, although you wish you could. Don't bother mentioning you’re not happy either – it's implied.
- Stay away from the past. Whether the memories are rosy or bitter, no good can come from bringing them up at a time when you should be focused on the future.
- Similarly, don't bother flinging blame. Your spouse is already on the defensive, having this brought up rather than being the one to bring it up. No need to fan the flames by stressing infidelity, addiction, temper problems...whatever combination of troubles finally led you to this place.
- Refrain from throwing around "always" and "never." As in, "You always criticized me" or "You never put in any effort."
- Don’t mention your mother-in-law. Not to finally let it be known how you really feel about her. Not in anger. Not in jest. Not in any way. Just be glad she’s not your mother and keep your mouth shut.
- Don't try to box in your spouse, and don't succumb to any such pressure yourself. Now is not the time to push for a binding agreement on custody, whether to sell the house or any other major decision. If things get testy, insist on dropping that part of the subject for now. There are plenty of other aspects to be discussed.
- Most importantly, don’t try to cover everything in the first conversation. It will be a blur later anyway. This one is to set the tone, to get the lay of the land, not to sign final paperwork. Are you being met with resistance or relief? Can you proceed amicably with a negotiation or will it be a battle to the finish?
Be prepared to back off if the other party reacts with shock or hysteria. Some people are really good at living in denial and need some time to catch up. Be considerate but firm: "Let’s table this until you get your bearings, but we need to get the process started."
Maybe your spouse is one of those cold-blooded types: these never bring divorce up first because they figure they hold the power position by being the wronged party. They can hold out for years, smugly making the most of community property, only to be stockpiling research of their own, a lawyer ready to draw up the papers and access to the Multiple Listing Service.
Whatever response you get, keep in mind that this conversation is only the first salvo in a long march to a new life. Pull yourself together. Before you say,"We need to talk" you need to be prepared physically, logistically and emotionally. It’s a bumpy road from here on out.
by Laura
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