The Quest

Waiting for Chemistry

by Tom Dichter

We put a lot of store in the notion of chemistry; that "something" that occurs between two people, that tells them — almost instantly — that they are "made for each other";they've "clicked"; they "hit it off"; "it felt right."And because in recent years scientists have found out about the important role of pheromones in sexual reproduction among bees and other insects and some animals, we have taken the notion of chemistry even more literally.

Of course it would be nice to believe there is such a thing. Chemistry would take the doubt out of the courtship and mating process, or at least it suggests that one might find a way to take less of a chance on someone. Especially in a mobile and open society like ours where matches are not arranged, not dependent solely on the small pool of candidates in an isolated rural village or small town.

The jump in the number of partnership possibilities in the last 100 years has been exponential. So not only do we each have a huge number of potential choices, but we harbor the suspicion that the "right" person might be just around the next turn. Chemistry is the answer to the profusion, and the inevitable confusion.

And maybe there is such a thing. But the question is, are we kidding ourselves if we wait for it? I think so. The far more everyday (and more compelling) reality is that most relationships are complex arrangements based on compromise, a re-structuring of fantasies and hopes, and a tinkering with both self-image and the image of the other.

I know a divorced man who came to believe that his (ex) wife wasn't kind or warm, and none too smart to boot, though she was very pretty. This coincided with a myth he had had since his youth about Jewish women as smart, competent, and kind and warm. So when he met a Jewish woman who happened to be pretty, he attributed all these other qualities to her, and even after they got to know each other, and got together, he never stopped seeing her in this ideal way, no matter what. She could not alter his perception even when she was not kind or warm or competent or smart. Eight years later they are still together and very happy.

I know a couple who have been together for 45 years, have two kids and two grandchildren. They have almost nothing in common. He's an intellectual, and lives for ideas; she's a ditzy housekeeper who never reads a book or a newspaper, but she bakes and is good with a checkbook. Are they close? Yes and no. They do everything together, can finish each other's sentences, love their children obsessively. But they have nothing to talk about beyond the household, and I've never seen them hold hands. Is that good or bad? We as outsiders can't say. All we can guess is there was probably no chemistry involved here, and no sparks flew, even at the beginning.

Then there are highly unlikely couples whose connection cannot be explained at all (he's short and fat and smokes; she's tall and thin and is a health nut), except perhaps if one imagines them in bed. Maybe they do something there that no other combination of two people could reproduce, or at least that's what their experience tells them, and that is what keeps them together.

So where does this leave us? Sure, we can't and won't stop dreaming of Mr. or Ms. Right, but meanwhile let's take a chance and get moving here.

Dating Analyst Tom Dichter is a cultural anthropologist and writer, married with four children and four grandchildren. He has had an international career and is now based in France.