Together
Rekindle Your Sex Life
Marriage is supposed to be "'til death do us part" but something else is in danger of dying along the way: your sex life. After a long time – an itchy seven years, for example – it can be a shock to realize making love has become just another chore, the same old-same old. An even greater shock is realizing how long it's been since you've had sex at all.
It doesn't have to be this way. As long as the two of you still care about each other (not a given, but let's hope for the best), and still have a modicum of sex drive, you can take steps to get things going again.
Change your routine. Switch off chores and time frames to make the mundane somewhat interesting. As an example, you could go grocery shopping together, late at night, each of you choosing something interesting to use for sex play when you get home.
Make a date for sex. It's great when things happen spontaneously but if you're in a not-getting-any rut, this can break you out. Have a real "date" first, but honor the commitment to finish with a happy ending.
Get out of the house. A hotel, the back seat of a car...
Stay home. Try a new location in the house, or maybe the backyard. Throw a blanket on the floor and have a picnic with no cutlery – just feed each other with your hands, then clear the dishes and roll around.
Spiff up the bedroom. Try a featherbed and some new sheets, clear out the clutter and light some candles. Keep the TV off. Turn the picture of your mother-in-law to the wall.
Get playful. Take your time, play some games. Here are some ideas:
- Take turns asking each other to do something that feels good to you.
- Ask your spouse to show you what feels good when done solo, then try to duplicate the moves.
- Take turns blindfolding each other and guessing what is being run across your naked bodies: feathers? An emery board? A silk scarf?
Get romantic. Hide love notes where they will have the most impact (underwear drawer, overnight bag). Write a love letter or poem and mail it.
Add some props. Introduce a new sex toy into your play. Invest in some new lingerie.
Face your fears. Maybe you feel fat and can't stop sucking in your stomach. Maybe you're afraid your spouse doesn't find you attractive any more. Open up and talk about it. Reassure each other.
Explore fantasies and unfulfilled desires. Even after years together what your spouse really wants might surprise you. Try writing a list of favorite sexual activities and fantasies, then each of you comparing your answers.
Explore your feelings about your love life. Does either of you wish you made love more frequently? Talk about it!
Try something new. No judging. Be someone different: aggressive if you're not usually the one who initiates, sweet and whispery if you're usually the aggressor. Do some online searching if you need to generate ideas.
Acknowledge sexual issues. They're not just related to erection or dryness. Sex is complicated and there are many things that can go wrong, for both men and women. The solution may be as simple as a tube of lube from the drugstore or an open conversation about something that neither of you has known how to bring up. Don't avoid seeing a doctor if there's a nagging problem.
by Laura
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